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Subbie in Football Cliche Hell


When interviewed by the Report earlier this week, Subbie was facing a crisis over a plethora of factors affecting the well-being of the top of the table second XI. When asked about the troubles of running the side, Subbie replied "Well, it's backs against the wall time for the whole club. Football's a game of two halves and its never over until the fat lady sings. If we start to fall behind we must try to get back on terms as quickly as we can turn it around. I have to admit we do have one or two players that are lightening slow at times, but they have got good engines and keep going for the full ninety. We have to cut out the Hospital balls and get it quickly to the big boys in the mixer more often. The more shots we have the more chance we have of scoring, but we have to take our chances as missed shots could really come back and haunt us in the long run. We are taking it one game at a time even at this stage of the season. We can only beat who's in front of us at the time, but we still need to get amongst them and ruffle a few feathers in the traditional Holland Park style. If we don't they will pick us apart with pinpoint passes and we may have to resort to some agricultural tackling. Admittedly we have one or two players that aren't quite the finished articles yet, but many of them are as versatile as eggs. We have to show the mental toughness that perhaps is lacking in our league. If we can score goals against the run of play then all credit to lads for trying their hearts out. Every now and again we play football out of the top drawer but the White's Hill surface is a great leveller. We need to be more consistent, as most of the games that we will be facing over the next few weeks are 6 pointers and we need to win most of these to stop the title race going down to the wire. You are only as good as your last game whether you're playing or in management. Fair credit to the lads though, the boys have done good. You can't do better than being top of the league but if we don't give 110% week in week out then we will trip up over the hurdles that are the championship race. We have to let our football do the talking and steal those half-yards and take advantage of even the slightest opening. I think that last week's defeat was a blessing in disguise for us as we can now get back to the basics of playing football. If we play easy balls, balls to feet and keep it on the carpet we can expect to win more games than we lose, especially if we end up scoring more goals than the opposition."
Subbie went on to say that he "remains confident that last week's debacle was only a minor hiccup in the teams progress towards the finals. We have as settled a side as we could probably wish for, and the only changes to the side will be either enforced or due to the rotation policy that we have to utilise to its best advantages. We can't really do much about anything that is outside of my control. However, if we started the season again tomorrow I wouldn't do anything different apart from a few things that wouldn't really have affected our results or playing style. With the carrot at the end of the tunnel getting ever closer, we are going to give greater detail to the bigger picture and get a broad view on the finer things that make up the art of football coaching and management."

Why No Pants is Really Called No Pants!
Also available in Red and White Stripes
   Crap Joke!
SCHOOL TEACHER ARRESTED

At Heathrow Airport today an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a scientific calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

A Day in the Life of Hammy
LOUISE'S DIARY

Saturday night:
We met up in the city on Saturday night, but he generally didn't pay me much attention at all. I even ended up playing the pokies to get away from the crowds so he would come and spend some more time with me, but he didn't come over. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone or something else. I have made an effort to try and watch the football more now and I am even thinking about going to watch him play soon. I just don't know what else to do, as I feel I am losing him to "the black side". As I left him with his friends he still didn't say much to me. I really think he doesn't fancy me anymore. Everytime I come close he seems to drink and smoke more. Why am I making him so nervous? I just can't wait this long to get close to him again. I think I may need to push the issue more. My life is a disaster.

HAMMY'S DIARY

Saturday:
Went to the city for the Cup Final. Was absolutely tanked out of my head and struggling to stand up. I must have smoked 50 duz too. I met up with her, but didn't say much for fear of embarrassing myself by speaking bollox or throwing up on her. When she left I thought a simple handshake was the best way to impress her, being polite and that. Obviously a shag was out of the question. Even I admit that!

Funny Stuff and Bollox

"I reckon if we'd play you we'd beat you or if we didn't it would only be one goal in it"
Subbie, admittedly after having a few, but still talking out of arse

"It would more likely be 4 or 5!"
Beefy, trying to make Subbie see sense

"Fook Off. Rubbish. We'd do ya. We'd fucking kick you senseless early and go on from there."
Subbie........ (it carried on for a while but I don't want to bore all the readers, 'cos deep down........')

"Our back three is older than every other team's back four"
Subbie, on why the 2s really are Dad's Army